So the thing is, it is hard creating something unique. Every blog, every status update, articles, conversation, is mostly reused info that has been passed along, regurgitated and spat out for our audience to take in and marvel at our amazing skills in interpreting the world around us. Even this seems similar to something I have read before - almost a complaint about the world we find ourselves in and how it has affected our youth etc. We have people trying to be different for the sake of being different, but what does it actually mean to interpret the world we live in - how do we make sense of it?? If I can't make sense of the world I live in, how do I react to it, and the question that has been on my mind lately, How do I influence it? The last thing I want, is to repeat what someone else has done and call it My Life.
So I arrogate myself (thanks Jack), and pick myself up, and attack the world with my sharp-edged wit in order to affect it...Even just cut it, as long as I make my mark. I battle and steam ahead, block those assaults on who I am in an attempt to remain whole, keeping myself safe. Relationships take a knock, because honestly, who wants to be close to a person that is caustic in a way that they extract something out of someone else in order to feel alive? The words of a goo goo dolls song rings true in my 'dreamy' state.
So what's left? If I don't like this thing I have found I have become, it is difficult to just 'go back', or ctrl+z what I have done. The only option I see is death, but not physical, because the death after that is much worse. I have been promised that in order to live, I must really die. And honestly, this seems like the only option. I have tried to change, but that thing that I thought I got rid of, that person I don't want to be, always catches up and makes a fool of me. But again, maybe that is all necessary?
I want to stand tall, but I cannot. I am not strong enough, brave enough, and I cannot persevere that far. I can't - something I don't hear myself say often enough. So I believe this promise, and decide to give myself away. What will I get in return? Honestly, I don't know, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable. But what I do know, is that he hasn't let me down before. And if I die, I may live again. Even if I don't, I cannot go on any longer with this vast distance between who I am and who I know I should be, and I definitely can't fix this myself. So I'll do the unexpected and surrender, give in, give it up to Him. If he dared to defeat death by heading into the darkest of nights, surely I can scrape together the bit that I have left, and be the fool and follow. I tell myself that I need to get ahead, always be a step ahead, that way I won't be found out and proclaimed weak, or even invalid. But I choose to listen to the voice that says I have to let it go, be a fool, give up. Giving up to a higher place, even though it is difficult, is all a lonely man with can do with his heartache. He died, but he rose again.
If I die with him, I will also be raised with him. If I die to sin, I will be made alive unto God in Christ Jesus. That is the only hope I have, and what happened at easter is the only truth that I have found to be remotely true
